There are days I don’t even know what to say in prayer anymore.
I’ve said it all — the requests, the begging, the declarations of faith.
I’ve prayed. I’ve waited. I’ve cried in silence while the world kept moving.
And still… nothing.
But today, something shifted.
When Your Spirit Can’t Hold It In
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned…”
I didn’t plan to cry.
But the tears came like a flood — unfiltered, unstoppable.
It was just a regular confession before Mass. But the moment I knelt and whispered those words,
my soul broke open.
I couldn’t stop.
All the fears, doubts, and hidden questions spilled out:
Will You ever answer my deepest prayer, Lord?
Is what I’m asking even possible?
Am I just setting myself up for disappointment?
And then the priest said something that hit me hard:
“You’re putting everything on the line. That’s grace.”
Just like the widow in the parable — you’re showing up with your dreams, your desires, your vulnerabilities.
But here’s the twist:
You’re not wrestling against God.
You’re not fighting alone.
God is fighting for you.
The Parable I Needed to Hear
During Mass, the reading was from Luke 18 — the Parable of the Persistent Widow.
A woman kept pleading to a judge who didn’t care about God or people.
She didn’t stop. She kept showing up, asking for justice.
Eventually, the judge gave in — not because he was kind,
but because her persistence wore him down.
And Jesus said:
“Will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night?”
— Luke 18:7
It’s Not About Wrestling For a Result
It’s About Who You’re Becoming in the Wrestling
The priest’s homily echoed my confession:
Prayer isn’t just about moving God.
It’s about being moved by Him.
Like Jacob wrestling with God, I realized:
I’ve been fighting for a blessing…
but God’s been shaping me through the battle.
My Personal Struggle
I’m a mom of two — my son is 8, my daughter is 3.
They’re in the Philippines, and I’m here in Beijing.
Every day I pray:
“Lord, will I ever bring them here with me?”
I cry for them. I miss them.
And then there’s my marriage — 10 years of wrestling.
Because I’m the provider. I carry the weight.
And I still ask:
“Lord, bakit ganoon?
“Lord, bakit nangyari ito?”
“Lord, bakit kami?”
It’s not just about the distance.
It’s about the questions I keep bringing to God — even when I don’t like the answers.
When You Can’t Lift Your Hands Alone
There’s a passage in Exodus 17:11:
“As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning.”
But Moses got tired — and Aaron and Hur came to hold his hands up.
Sometimes I can’t hold my hands up anymore.
I’m tired.
But God sends people:
✅ A priest’s voice in confession
✅ My Aunt MaryJane in London
✅ A church community that lifts me up when I can’t do it myself
What Prayer Is Really About
Not transaction.
Not negotiation.
But transformation.
“God didn’t promise He’d answer every prayer the way we want.
He promised a relationship.”
Prayer isn’t a formula to get what we want.
It’s a lifeline to stay connected — especially when nothing makes sense.
Because even when nothing changes —
You change.
but He always honors faith that doesn’t give up.
What I’m Learning in the Waiting
Not to get everything I want.
But to become the woman God wants me to be.
To deepen my relationship with Him.
To surrender, not control.
To obey, not manipulate outcomes.
God may not answer every prayer the way I expect,
but He always honors faith that doesn’t give up.
Let This Sink In:
You can feel doubtful and still believe.
You can feel anxious and still surrender.
You can feel weak — and still be held.
When God Feels Silent, Remember This:
🟡 He’s still moving.
🟡 He’s still shaping.
🟡 He’s still sovereign.
And He’s more concerned about your heart than your checklist.
More focused on your becoming than your “achieving.”
So I’ve stopped asking “How do I pray to get what I want?”
I’ve started asking:
“Who am I becoming as I keep praying?”
Your Anchor Truth
“Then Jesus told His disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.”
— Luke 18:1
Keep This Close
To the one wrestling with God right now —
Don’t stop praying.
Don’t stop believing.
Don’t stop becoming.
You’re not being ignored.
You’re being transformed.
And when you feel like giving up?
Get back up.
Pray again.
Not to prove anything.
But because you know…
He’s still there.
And you’re still His.
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